This is a little raw. No glitz, no glam, just honesty.
How do you start praying for someone who you absolutely do NOT want to think about, let alone spend your precious minutes of prayer time praying for? I recently watched a video that someone posted on facebook. Oh, facebook, you will be the death of me. The video depicted what was apparently an impromptu worship session by a gentleman in a doctors office waiting room. The song was beautiful, his voice was beautiful. The problem for me is that he looked uncannily like my oldest sons sperm donor, ahem, birth father. IMMEDIATELY it settled in my spirit that it COULD be him, that every life can be redeemed and that I should be praying for him. “But Lord!”, I thought, “I’ve already forgiven him for the pain and betrayal that he bestowed on myself and onto my child. Praying for him is asking too much!” I couldn’t imagine praying for someone who left me, who lied to me, who mistreated me, who betrayed me, who caused such an immense amount of pain in my sons life. It took me YEARS to stop panicking when I saw someone who resembled him or a car that looked like his did, for fear that he would show up and do it us all over again. Once that stopped, the anxiety and anger hung on hard and fast for a few more years. I was solidly settled into a healthy relationship with Nick, we had even gotten married and had another baby, still the fear hung onto my life. After his parental rights were terminated and Nick adopted him and took his rightful place as my sons Dad, the anxiety eased. Through prayer and the grace of God, forgiveness had been achieved. I understand now (mostly) why everything that happened happened. I rarely think about him or everything we went through. I frequently forget that those years even happened. I sort of prefer it that way.
Still, it was there, “you should be praying for him”. Again, I protested. “It’s not FAIR! I’ve already given so much of myself to this person who had no respect for my time or suffering or sacrifice.” The feeling stayed. Obviously, by my protests, I am not as healed from this hurt as I once believed.
I wasn’t sure this is where I wanted to go with my feelings. They were neatly packaged up, I guess I wanted them to stay there! Searching through scripture brought up a familiar verse; Luke 6:27-30. The NIV simply says, “27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.” The Message says, “27-30 “To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.”
Am I ready for the truth? Do I want to spend my energies on this?
In the end it was pressed upon my spirit that I DO want him to be a Godly man. My son wants to meet him, maybe even form a relationship with him and as a mother my desire is for that to be a positive experience. (While my prayer continues to be that my son ends up changing his mind and DOESN’T want to meet him, I understand why he would want to.) So, here goes my journey of praying for someone who has hurt me greatly.